nana36921

04:00 am: things i hate to understand
i just realized  that cause of things that happened 2 me in my life mostly when i was a child i can never  ever trust anybody again . i lost that ability .

10:11 pm: why
why do i need to keep being strong when it's so much easier to be weak and stupid like every one else

11:36 am: need some help with my m.s.
i am wondering if any of the med s they give u when u have seizures might help me with my restless legs that i have been getting 24/7 it seems like my brain has been sending 2 many brain signals and they haven't been going where they should ,my med s are not helping. also ritalin or adderal  for learning disabilities cause i keep getting my lefts/rights mixed up cant focus or seem 2 learn also am very hyper and don't  like narcotic type med . i am also  wondering about tysabri as i have at least 13 lesion my brain ,no idea how many in my spin and am in pain 24/7 .went from a attack once every 3mths to it seems like every mths  but they seem to come about the same time as my period ,does this happen 2 any one else?i am also very hyper all the time almost 2 the point of a.d.d.I only know that i can not live like this any more   the all of a sudden attacks that come and stop my life can not go on , i cant take it any more.

09:21 pm: time 4 a wake up call : (
never really knew how sick i was till now . now it has hit me . i am in a what i thought was a small m.s. crisis that i get ever 2 mth s that can range from pain to being paralyzed  . so i post on face book & ask around & find out most people don't have half of the problems i do 13 lesions ,no red blood cells no iron ,no potassium type 2 diabetic w /lo blood sugar comas ,been in cardiac arrest at least 4 times the past year .needed 3 blood transfusions but the first one gave me 4 blood clots  and i was given a choice by my doctor of having the clots or the blood thinner med s kill me .sever ataxia the list goes on  yet i am very mobile even  though i cant work a job i still take capoeira a martial arts  which is my third type of class i am learning i am wondering how i can stand up with all the things i have wrong with me especially when i look around and see other people who have  the same things and are in wheel chairs are worse off .i am so confused right now but i guess it is cause i am in a lot of pain  and still don't like taking my med s which are about 40 pills a day and 2 shots it would b more but my insurance doesn't cover a lot of it .  sigh  don't know right now ???

07:56 pm: it's a shame when you're daughter calls you on the phone and says "oh i think i have the wrong number " ,before she realizes it's you ' oh i meant to call so and so to say i am going to be late . she couldn't even take 1 second to ask how i was feeling, especially after knowing i been sick in a m.s. flair up for dam near 3 weeks . i feel so loved.it brings up the question that has been in my mind all the time the last 9 mths, why am i struggling to go on?

12:51 pm: food
i'm sorry i'm trying to eat better after losing all that weight to fast,but I just can't justify eating a piece of pizza when you swallow and realize you also bit and ate a piece of the paper plate and it tasted the same. dam m.s. no taste any more. lolol

08:15 am: well guess what
you think you the only person censoring what you write or say on lj why do you think i haven't posted since march?

06:09 pm: i cant beleve what i bought
i just bought a pack of soy veggy burgers w/o anyone telling me to ,i wonder if im going crazy? toni if u read this email me i have new phone # for you if u want it and also i dont have yours and im getting ready to move again but its a long story as to why .

06:00 pm: you cant go back
794 washington ave is now a empty ,muddy lot. donna's house is all tore up inside and will probably be next and the one on the other side of us is not doing much better. they are both owned by a guy named ron. we did have a alot of land . i want to go back and take a picture of the lot ,but idk if i ll have time ,with everthing going on right now.

12:23 pm: look out rochester !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAVE JUST GOTTEN MY LIFT LINE BUS PASS SO I CAN GET PICKED UP AT MY FRONT DOOR WHEN I AM NOT FEELING GOOD ,OR THE WEATHER IS BAD .ALSO WHEN I AM FEELING OK AND THE WEATHER IS GOOD I CAN RIDE ALL THE BUSES FOR FREE !!!!I HAVE ACCESS TO THE WHOLE CITY NOW . IF ONLY I HAD THE ENERGY AND A PLACE TO GO I WOULD BE ALL SET LOL .ANYBODY WANT COMPANY ?sorry didnt realize my caps were still on ,i wasnt yelling

02:14 pm: HELP KIM
i need u and robin 2 email me a time u can call me later tonight and help me w/the cable/dvd hook up u did . i have tryed everything its not working im getting stressed out . also i need 2 know if my sound card is good why my speakers arent working and how 2 make my phone ring more then 1 time. email me with a time u guys can talk rembar i dont get any silence so i dont go 2 bed at 9. im up late till ???? right now i am going 2 take a break from the world !!!!

04:55 pm: i now have a sign on my door no visitors execept 4 authorities and deliverys in bright orange . wonder what mary ann my land lady will think? also i used a ton of duck tape so it should stick if it doesnt ,i will crazy glue it 2 the glass . im tired of the stress of the gangs and bullshit from the neighbors and landlord maby now they will leave me alone? i need to get over my flair up and off these extra meds and get my suger back under control and take back my life

01:38 pm: ansewering machine
oba call nana s ansewer ing maching asap b4 she learns how 2 change the message any one else want the number email me

08:22 pm: i managed 2 get skye my 8 year old niece over 2 my house and away from every one . shes the 1 that out of 4 kids is the most verbably mentaly abused and neglecded. i have called child protection many times but they make over 80 grand a year so nothing was ever done . ,they also have a social worker who comes to the house and doesnt do nothing much for any of them . my sister doesnt care for any one but her self.my oldest niece is the same way .shes 13 .the youngest boy is 3 and is mently challangenged , at least a.d.d but we dont know with what yet. he wont stay still more then 4 or 5 sec at a time and basicly is borderline violent . the 5 year old runs the family .he gets what he wants , takes any toy or any thing he wants ,beats his father up ,tells him he hates him ,wishs dad would did and wants his father to leave .he also wont let his father sleep in bed with mom ,he does instead . his father sleeps on the foor or couch . my sis also says that she hates her husband and her life and will divorce him ,ect when she doesnt get her own way .so dads life sucks . the 2 girls have diffrent fathers who they see but cant live with at this point . i am never invited over there .i only hear what goes on .my hands are tied.so i was telling skye how my step dad (paulas dad did the same to me cause i was the only one who couldnt fight back . how he used to call me very quietly 4 rooms away and when i didnt hear him. he would pick me up by my hair and throw me into my room for ignoring him ,how he told me i was stupid,lazy ,good 4 nothing , ugly, fat ,taking up good space on this planet,never going 2 amount 2 anything and shouldnt be alive .how he would look 4 any excuse 2 slap me full force across my face. for a tone or a look or what ever .. i left out a lot ,but let her know that i knew what she was going threw . and to promise me that no matter what he said she would remembar that it was because she was the only one he could do it . btw my mom also knew and seen just like hers and did nothing . also that if he ever hit her 4 no reason she would call me and let me know and that if he ever touched her she would call me and tell me . i said even if i move out of state im here 4 u cause i lov u ,i just cant do any thing right now my hands are tied .i told her u will always have my number and if u have 2 u go to school and tell them 2 call me and if they say no u call the police and tell them 2 call me . i been there and i am on your side . i know what it feels like and i will be there 4 her since nobody else is. then i let her do something that would get her grounded for life ,i let her throw darts at my wall so she could get some of her feelings out . im not even sure she understands everything happing 2 her ,i know at my young age i still have problems understanding some of the things .i only hope i got 2 her before it s 2 late .happy new year ,joy enjoy the spelling lol

12:35 pm: happy birthday kim from the crazys in nny paulas girls are here 2 and wish u 1 also

08:48 am: I just threw away all my fast food delivery menues i am 10 lbs under my so called body mass obese chart weight .this is from weighing 220 lbs last year .

10:42 am: I am not celerbrating x- mas this year no tree .no decerations .no big meal .no presents . no money .im going to be scrooge this year

12:19 pm: it was me
i just tryed 2 call u yhe phone isnt working

11:39 am: home
i got in at 330 am . nana is using her weight loss as a control issue 2 give her control. she waiting up 4 me /talkeed 2 he r a few min b4 she left 4 program. gota bill from program saying 1 owe 1400 dollers up till dec so im going to fax that 2 my worker may not have 2 pat this mth lol my neighbor nicky still has people livinginthe attic thats going 2 change so far no fightoing but that will change 2

10:12 pm: I dont want to live like this any more ,but I dont want to die .IF YOU
reply and DONT HAVE ENOUGH BALLS TO USE YOUR LIVE JOURNAL NAME DONT EVEN BOtheR REPLYING . you
in my opinion is someone who is really wasting space and taking up air on this planet .at least I the balls to put my name behind what say and feel .lol